I think self reflection is one of my favorite past times. I try really hard not to judge myself, rather look back on different moments in my life and see if I am different from where I was.
If look back on this year, its been just a fucking weird year of constant self reflection and self consciousness and self assurance. I can honestly say I am different. If last year’s me looked ahead, I can also honestly say this is probably not where she thought I would be, though. Not in a bad way...I just think my mindset has changed so much in the last 12 months that it’s caused me to move in a different direction from where I set out to go.
This week last year I decided I was going to finally lose weight. I was going to take it seriously this time. New Year's Day I joined a gym, I thought I was going to drink apple cider vinegar every morning (I think it was supposed to curb cravings or something. I don't remember anything other than I almost died the first time I drank it), and I started taking about five mini walks throughout the day to get my steps in.
All the while I preached to my friends they were beautiful the way they were.
I talked a big game because I truly feel with everything inside me that women put too much pressure on themselves to be something for someone else. I just wanted (and still want) my friends to feel good about who they are before they try to make changes to themselves so their changes are for them and not someone else. I always talk my friends up when they put themselves down. It's so hard for me to hear someone think badly about themselves. It hurts me so much that people don't see what I see in them.
So why did I continue to have doubts about myself? Why was I posting things about feeling good in your own skin when I was trying to lose weight just to pacify what other people (and society) wanted and told me
I should do? Why did I feel like I needed to be a healthier person (based on society’s standards) just to be a blogger?
So it wasn’t until a few months into this blogging journey that it became less about the clothes and the make up and more like therapy I didn't realize I needed. I was posting deep, personal issues I thought I was over. I was recalling little bits and pieces of my life I had pushed to the far back of my brain and deep, deep down under all kinds of other shit.
I set out with the intention of helping other women feel powerful in clothes. To see that clothes weren't just an ends to a means of getting dressed and going about their day. I wanted other women to be as passionate about clothing and see how fun it could be. But that's not all this has been for me. "All the best laid plans..." as they say.
What I got was the reality that I don’t have the answers. I’m not confident all the time. I’n fact I’ve said this before: there are just as many days when I don’t feel good about myself as there are days when I feel like I am killing it at life. And when I reflect on this week next year, I hope I can say my path I am planning to set out on in 2018 is not the path I ended up on because it’s better than what I can map out for myself.
Because, TBH, this year’s ending is so much better than this year’s beginning. I feel so free. I feel more confident and more self assure than I thought was possible. I also realize now it’s okay to fell self conscious and it’s okay to not have it all together. And it’s okay to continue to root for my friends even on days when I don’t feel like rooting for myself.
I really want to read this next year and be able to smile at all I think I know now and realize I just know nothing at all.