Last week I talked about buying a grill and a bed. No crazy shopping sprees this week or anything, but I did have something exciting happen.
I got a promotion at work.
Or, I guess, kind of a promotion. There is a reorganization taking place in our department and my old position is now combined with another position. Luckily, with more work, comes more pay. I'm no billionaire or even close to it, but this reorg gives me a bit more financial stability and eventually the freedom I have been waiting for since I graduated college a few years ago.
But to say having this freedom scares me is quite the understatement. While before I didn't really have the funds to buy my own home (I'm not really interested in renting), I was happy to use my measily salary for an excuse and my security blanket for still living at home.
"Well, it's not that I don't want to...it's that I just can't afford it," I say.
Leaving the comforts of my parents' home and my parents isn't why I'm scared, despite what I'm sure a lot of people think. I'm almost positive there are a few people in this world who assume I'm staying at home because I'm a momma' girl, or because I'm spoiled by parents. And sure those are major benefits to living at home, but those benefits are overshadowed by the fact that I have a fear of failing -- Atychiphobia.
No one wants to get out in the real-world, only to realize a year from their move-in date they are so in debt they can't make their mortgage payment. No one wants to get settled in a home and then have to move back in with their mom and dad because they couldn't do it. And all I could think about when I found out I got my new job is, "is this going to be enough to move out?"
I drowned myself so deeply in all these fears of the future, that I forgot to be excited about the job -- so deeply that I was already thinking of giving up on my dream of owning a home before I even started the job.
And this is a pattern for me. My way of dealing with this fear is to quit before I fail.
See, if I choose to quit, failing is on my terms. It's not because other people don't like what I am doing, who I am being or whatever other reason. It's because "I chose to do something else, that's all"..."I found a new passion"...see how good I am at talking myself out of things?!?
Because I am so afraid to get something and then be bad at it, I almost gave up my dream before I could even really give it a try.
So Monday morning, I just told myself to stop. Stop being negative. Stop worrying. Stop forgetting to think about all the good things I have done. Stop comparing myself to the successes of other people. Stop forgetting that this isn't supposed to be easy.
There's a quote somewhere that says something about if it's easy, it isn't worth it. And I think one of my biggest reasons for my fears is that I'm scared I'm going to put so much effort into something and then get disappointed when it doesn't work out.
But I need to change my mindset to go along with the quote. It takes hard work. Things don't typically just fall into place and if they do, again, it takes work to maintain the success. There's no reason to fear the work I put into something not paying off for me in the end because I can't really fail if I never stop putting in the effort. So no, this whole house thing isn't going to be easy. It's going to take sacrifices and discipline. It's probably going to be one of the most challenging things I have ever done because it's a complete life change, but instead of being afraid of all of those things I need to trust in myself that I can handle anything as long as I keep putting in the effort.