Why do I lose all my bravado when I think about the reactions of the people closest to me when I plan on taking what I consider a risk?
Why do I care more about what people close to me think than the Instagram and social media world? Why do I feel they would judge me and have more negative feelings than people I don't know?
I would like to think it's because they care about me and they don't want to see me hurt by a mean-spirited person so they would discourage me from putting myself in the fire-zone. I would like to think they aren't one of those mean-spirited people, themselves.
But, whatever the reason for my fears, my bravado won tonight. For the first time in a long time I did something extremely out of my comfort zone. For the first time in my adult life, I let my stomach breathe. Only a little and only for a few moments (basically long enough to take the picture). And good Lord, it felt freeing.
I love myself in this picture. It makes me feel strong and it makes me feel powerful.
For some people, it's just a sliver of skin, but for me, it's so far from anything I am typically comfortable with. And I don't think I am ready to walk around in public like this, but it's just a small step in my journey to self-love. It's just a step in the fight to change society's standards for what beauty is.
And truth be told, maybe the people close to me have already joined the fight. Maybe they are more accepting and understanding than I am giving them credit for. Maybe they understand the world is changing and that they don't need to be fearful for me. And maybe it's all in my own head because of my own hang ups I am still trying to get over (ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!!)
I mean, as we all know, body positivity has a lot of steps forward and a lot of steps backward. It's not just one smooth ride. Just like the cellulite on my body, it's full of bumps.
***Note: I love the people who are close to me. They are supportive and kind. Part of my message with this post is to point out sometimes the judgments I feel are being directed at me could posibly be things I see in my own head that aren't really there. My intention is not to offend anyone close to me and my intention is not to make people who read this feel as though I have mean-spirited people in my circle.