I've read about a million of these "To my ex-best friend" letters hoping to find one that said all the things I needed it to say. I wanted someone else to come up with the words I haven't been able to put together to tell you exactly how I feel. Of course, I know someone isn't ever going to be able to say what I need to say, how I need to say it. Especially when it comes to feelings and lost friendships.
No one else had our friendship, so no one else would be able to write a letter describing perfectly what we went through and what I have been going through since we stopped talking.
Most of those letters didn't work for me because they had something to do with a guy. How he treated you bad or treated me bad. This isn't about a guy. This isn't about how we let anyone come between us. This really isn't about how we drifted apart either, another big topic in ex-friendship letters. I hope you and I both can admit we drifted because there was something significant that happened in our friendship that we ultimately couldn't get past.
What I really want to do is tell the whole world the reason I don't think we are friends. I want to ask mutual friends what you say about me - if you say anything at all - when they ask why we don't hang out anymore. I really want to know if you blame it on me. I really, really, really want to call you and yell at you and tell you that you did me wrong and list all the reasons why.
I want to tell you that I'm mad at you. I want you to know you hurt me. We have known each other for half of our lives and for it to have ended that way, it was shitty. I want to put all the blame on you because that's how I've felt for so long. That I was the good person. I was honest. I was kind. I was trustworthy.
But guess what. That will not, and will never solve anything. It may make me feel better for a while...maybe for years...but eventually, I know I will feel bad because, truth be told, I don't think it's all your fault. I don't think you were the sole reason for the end of our friendship. While there were things I feel you could have done better, I also know I could have done better as well. I could have handled things differently. I was not an A+ best friend all the time. I was stubborn. I was pushy. I made plans and broke them. Sometimes I was too honest, and didn't take your feelings into consideration. My "bluntness" should not have been more important than kindness. I should not have put myself and my feelings first on so many occasions.
So, instead of ending this letter with all the negatives, I want to remember the positives. The moments I look back on the most aren't the shitty ones, anyways. I wouldn't be writing this letter if I didn't still care about you and miss you all the time. When I think about our friendship, I think about how I will probably never have another like it. I think about how I will never laugh at our memories with another person, because no one else will understand them.
I love that when I tell people I started a fire in my car on accident in high school, I have a memory of you and me dying of laughter trying to put it out. I love when I hear Super Bass, I have 5,000 memories from the summer you and I listened to it 39,385 times just to memorize it. And I will tell my grandchildren about the time we stalked Lady Gaga when she came here to film her music video.
I will never forget talking about places we wanted to go, things we wanted to do and who we wanted to be when we got older. We talked about going to high school reunions and still being friends. We talked about our relationship problems, whether they were boyfriends or family members. Even if we didn't have advice, we listened.
There are times when things happen in my life that only you would understand. (Wendy Wu Homecoming Warrior ring a bell???) I want to call you or message you when I hear one of our songs on the radio or to tell you about a funny memory and see if you laugh. Sometimes I dread going somewhere in our town because I'm terrified I will see you and I won't know what to say. Other times I go somewhere and I think if you are there too, we could finally put all this crap behind us and talk it out. I have tried to plan what I would say to you. Most times I think I would duck for cover and hide somewhere until you passed. (I mean, let's be honest, I'm sure that's what I would do because we both know I only get feisty when I mix my alcohols...)
My goal for writing this letter is to gain closure because I don't think I've ever gotten closure. I will probably never know if you read this. I won't know if it makes you smile when you read our memories. I will never know if it pisses you off. I'm not dumb enough to think you wouldn't be pissed if you read this, though. It'd piss me off if you wrote this letter about me. It isn't flattering for either one of us. I don't mean it to come across as rude and I hope anyone who reads it doesn't assume you were terrible to me. I hope people understand, that while I didn't even tell my full side of the story, you have your side too and it's probably just as unflattering.
Ultimately, I wish you well. I want you to accomplish your dreams. Someone told me you went back to school and I hope you know I am so proud of you. I hope you know I am rooting for you. I hope you know that if you called me tomorrow and told me you wanted to talk, I would be there in a heartbeat. I hope you know I miss you and I hope you know a part of me wishes you miss me too, because to be totally honest, it would probably kill me to know that our friendship meant so little that you don't even care we aren't friends anymore. I hope you care, because I do, too.
Your ex-best friend